How to Accept Compliments Without Deflecting Them

Someone says your presentation was great. Before they've finished the sentence, you're explaining that the slides were a template and you got lucky with the questions. It happens so fast you barely notice.

Deflecting compliments isn't always modesty. Praise can clash with how you see yourself, and that clash is uncomfortable. To accept compliments without deflecting, you don't need to believe every one. You need to stop arguing with them long enough to let them land.

Why Praise Can Feel Wrong

Psychologists have a name for one explanation: self-verification. In short, you prefer for others to view you how you view yourself. When praise contradicts that view, part of you wants to throw it out.

So the more negative your self-view, the harder this gets. A University of Rochester Medical Center psychologist writes that you accept negative feedback more readily when your self-view is negative. Some people also fear positive attention itself, because it singles them out.

That's why "just say thank you" can feel impossible. The compliment isn't the problem, the mismatch is. If the voice in your head insists you're not good enough, a kind comment about your work has a lot to push against.

You'll often read that women deflect praise more than men. If you were raised to see accepting praise as vain, that may ring true, but solid research on the gender gap is thin. The habit can also travel with apologizing for everything.

Low Self-Esteem and Compliments: What the Studies Found

Three experiments published in 2007 looked at how people with low self-esteem take compliments from a partner. The participants were undergraduate students, mostly in dating relationships.

Some were asked simply to describe what their partner had said. Others were asked to explain why your partner admired you and what it meant for the relationship. People with low self-esteem who did the second version felt more positively about the compliments, about themselves, and about their relationships.

The effects were still evident 2 weeks later. People with high self-esteem barely changed, probably because they already take praise that way. These were small student samples, so treat this as a promising idea rather than settled science.

What Deflecting Costs You

Deflecting feels polite, but it can land as a small rejection. The other person took a risk saying something kind, and you told them they'd got it wrong.

People already hold back. In a 2021 series of studies, people giving compliments underestimated how good the compliment would make the recipient feel. Brush every compliment off and you confirm their worry, so the compliments may slowly dry up.

Praise is also information. A colleague who says you explained something clearly is telling you what you do well, and waving it away means losing that.

How to Accept Compliments Without Deflecting

• Say thank you, then stop. The same URMC psychologist suggests simply saying thank you and staying with the compliment for a few moments.
• Notice the urge to argue. Ask what thought came up, whether it's a thinking trap like all-or-nothing, and what evidence says otherwise.
• Reframe the bigger ones later. Borrowing from the 2007 studies, think about why the person admired what you did and what it says about how they see you.
• Keep a list. Advice from the UK's NHS on raising self-esteem includes writing down good things that other people say about you.
• Start with low-stakes praise, like a comment on your cooking, before work compliments.

Expect it to feel awkward for a while. Awkward isn't the same as wrong.

If low self-esteem runs through most of your life, not just compliments, the NHS adds that talk therapy such as counseling or CBT can help. You can also talk to a doctor first. Building self-esteem that doesn't depend on other people goes further.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why Do I Feel Uncomfortable When Someone Compliments Me?

Praise that doesn't match how you see yourself can feel wrong, so part of you wants to reject it. Some people also dislike the attention a compliment brings. The discomfort usually eases with practice.

Is It Rude to Just Say Thank You to a Compliment?

No. A simple thank you accepts what the person offered without arguing with them. Deflecting is more likely to leave them feeling brushed off.

How Can I Get Better at Accepting Compliments?

Say thank you and pause, rather than explaining or redirecting. For bigger compliments, think about why the person said it and what it means to them. Writing compliments down can help them stick.